Dear United States Of America,

So that rumor is true? <.>

Next time i drive by the banner outside McDonald's, I'll take a pic.

Dear America,

Thanks for the penis repair pills, now I can have sex with all 15 wives.

Signed,

The Sultan

This came out back when Bush came into office if I recall.

Notice of Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

John Cleese ftw

Petty Officer Second Class Jungbauer of the United States Navy does hereby love this post :D

Long post is long. XD

I will hit up number 4 though~



Perhaps when this was written they didn't realize that we have access to Fawlty Towers (Which John Cleese himself co-wrote and starred in), Keeping up Appearances and Are You Being Served? thanks to public television.

There is so much political incorrectness in those shows that I'm honestly surprised they get played here in the States, but I'll never complain. Even then some of those episodes are too much I guess, as most all of the Christmas episodes are never shown here.

As far as modern shows that get re-cast, I can honestly say that The Office stands alone as the one show where I prefer the American version to the British one.

Also for #9, I'm German heritage and I drive a Toyota, so pfft at you.

I'll post this video for all the Canadians in this thread ^_^

My niece went to the USA last year for studying medicine. Someone else I know went there a well, only earlier. Both told me that we're more advanced on this territory.



Ofcourse we would say:
"Oh man that almost hit you, it was about a millimeter from your nose."
Means we can almost hit closer :p

Metrics can make tings seem bigger. 88 MPH vs 140 KPH, for example.

Now for something different:

Dear Kingdom of the Netherlands,

Would you please stop with all those talent shows? We get it now! Thousands of people have no talent and/or any sense, making my forehead turn bright red from facepalming everytime I see someone on these shows performing an act that -they think- is great but makes me want to start a drinking game where I would take a shot of Scotch everytime I see someone walk up to the judges and make a fool out of themselves. This game also takes part when, in a multi-talent show where people can come on stage and show whatever talent they possibly have, they sing. Since probably 90% of contestants sing their lungs out, I would get quite drunk after the first 10 minutes of watching that show. Not that I play this drinking game, nor watch these shows on purpose. Sadly, I live with people in the house who love these kinds of shows and have it on during dinner. I would suggest switching channels, but with all these dozens of channels, not one has anything worth watching around that time, other than old cartoons that the others don't like to watch. It's either a rerun of a rerun of the rerun of an old sitcom, a house/property show, a talent show, commercial breaks, or a cooking program where we watch people eat while we, ironically, do the same. There is however, more talent to be found in these cooking programs than in 10 minutes of watching a talent show, where the judges either say it's bad, or good, or that they could work a little on their things, mixing them with a couple of slang words that are actually English words replacing the word of the same meaning we would use in our own language. Seriously stop mixing English with Dutch. These words are no sentense enhancers, nor do they make sense if the person you talk to doesn't understand the meaning of these foreign words. Speaking about this, those foreigners who likes to diss ***and stuff shoudl stop enhancing their sentences with diseases like the overly used cancer. Nothing is more cool than saying "Cancer off, you peace-of-cancer with your whorig cancer mouth". Well, their wrong and makes us hate them even more than we stereotypically do. Now, you all might be thinking this rant is too long to even begin reading, or, if you've reached up to hear after reading the above, and think you've wasted your time and want your minutes of life back, of which 80% of the people could better put this time and effort into working on their grammer and language, like usign capitals, commas and periods. The less you use these, the more you make a fool of yourself and make your language a shame. I would apologize for the length of this rant, but I won't, for this is, in fact, a rant. I will be minding my own business again, so... bye.

Hahahaha *** love it, that sounds very aussie like, thats how we think anyhow =)

I'm French Canadian (Quebec), and I was taught the metric system in school because it was apparently the right thing to do, back in the 80s. However, my parents kept using that other system with the weird name so now if I need to measure things, I use some kind of measurement device, and it's a pain. I don't even understand my girlfriend's measurements ;_;

Speaking of which, she is studying Graphic Design and they're using those impossible to understand US measurements with Adobe Illustrator and it pisses us off because it makes no sense to teach us something in high school and then use the opposite in college. What the hell? Is this only happening in Canada? I certainly hope so, for the sake of the planet :/

Just thought I'd share.

My understanding is that it happens so much because components are manufactured in metric countries, then put on "American" cars. Instead of forcing the manufacturers to use our messed up standard system, we adapt to make their parts fit.

My Chilton's for my Blazer had notes written in it for a lot of stuff where it was mixed tools, just so I knew which wrenches to grab. Hell, I'm in the Army and even HMMWV (That's Hum-vee for you non-military peeps) have a mixture of Metric/Standard.

The bolts that mount the halfshaft through the brake discs to the differentials are 15mm, for example. 14mm you can get away with using a 9/16" sometimes depending on the manufacturing tolerances of the bolts and your tools, but for 15mm, 9/16 is too small and 5/8 is too big.

Anyway, in my garage at home I have two rollaways, one full of metric, one full of standard. I wish I'd been able to spend all those extra thousands of dollars on just one type of tools and having more stuff. Thanks, America.

Both are a bunch ***. I don't approve of any of this nor do many others.

"1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation."

lmao

But does Antarctica approve or disapprove??????

Idk I kinda like it. Maybe it's a navy thing. Former ET2 (SS) (nuc) Nissen

[Removed by Alyria]

Here they are. The two of them on duty. <3

Don't you just love that pride?

Please don't post those types of images, it is considered offensive.

Why are you removing my images?

Antartica is not a US territory. I was talking more about the American people that this Lt. Commander thinks they speak for. Dummy Officers and their tag-a-long Petty Officers.

"P.S.S. Do the terms ICBM, Tomahawk missile, nuclear payload, or blow your @ss to smithereens mean anything to you?"


Yeah, and basically threatening me with a nuclear attack is considered friendly?

Well all know that person is HELP I AM TRAPPED IN 2006 PLEASE SEND A TIME MACHINE with pride so it can slide. Now the image is considered offensive and not proper due to the rights the prisoners have. The picture is actually illegal.

"A cover-up is an attempt, whether successful or not, to conceal evidence of wrong-doing, error, incompetence or other embarrassing information. The expression is usually applied to people in authority who abuse their power to avoid or silence criticism. Those who cover up may be those responsible for a misdeed or their allies, or simply people with an interest in silencing criticism."

Yes, but I bet you those prisoners don't approve of the picture being used all over the internet.

So you're talking about wether the people that are involved in these pictures would approve of you or I using them?

I've seen a lot of pictures that certain groups of people would deem very, very offensive. But I don't think I ever see anyone considering that when they use them or laugh at them.

That said, words are more offensive than pictures can ever be. It's easy to cut out a picture as a moderator when you deem it inappropriate.

Hey I hate occifers as much as the next guy... but still they can't always be wrong.

Is this still a joke thread or did it finally become serious......again?

Dear United States of America,

<3

hypnotizd

The term "soccer" is of British origin NOT American. It's an English slang term from the early twentieth century. It is short for "Association Football" aka what is now called simply "football" in Britain ("soccer" meaning "association"). So many English, Scot and Irish rag on about Americans making up the "improper" word 'soccer' without ever realizing it's their own damn word.