FFXIAH Linkshell Ni

after I was captured... the *** that attempted to raise me as a human were over zealous german/irish catholics from a tribe of relentless penny pinchers hell bent on stretching every dollar a thousand miles

Pops was determined to be the last idiot supporting a seven member family as a single wage earner and of course they lied about my moms working to buy a house that they couldn't afford out in the wastelands near an aluminum siding factory...

so you divide chump wages across an ever increasing family in a stagnant economy hampered by stubborn refusal by pops to allow his wife to work and that equals coupons.

so basically if we didn't have a coupon for it, we went without it.

I grew to hate coupons as a symbol of the poverty, relentless stupidity, foolish pride and the stubborn refusal to adapt to a painfully obvious reality....

the coupons controlled what we ate, where we ate and when we ate.

have you ever been hungry for something like pollo loco and gotten something else instead because you didn't have a coupon for the thing you really wanted?

I haven't.

not since childhood. I refuse to use coupons and allow them to control my life and dictate when and where I can eat
*** THAT!



I refuse to be controlled by coupons...I argue with anyone that tries to give them to me. How about just charge me a fair price to begin with!?

handing me a coupon tells me you charged me too much all the other times I bought something....are you calling me a sucker!?


My wife and I were somewhere....maybe the pet store... and the cashier tries to hand me a coupon for something...

oh god... I hear my wife softly lament over my shoulder as my blood boils and my face turns purple... my enormous mitts crinkling the coupon into a tiny unrecognizable paper crumb...

.....coupon!?

On this day, some years ago which shall be undisclosed because one does not judge such a man by age alone, a young child was brought into this world. A child, with an epic destiny which would change the world forever. This child's name was not Spath, but he would go by Spath, Spathaian, Spathicus, Spatharamas, Spatharino, and other such names. Spath did what all children tend to do. He grew. But not only did he grow in size, he grew in manliness. Indeed, Spath grew into the manliest of men. He became one with the man, in an non-homosexual way. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just wanted to make sure we were clear that this is a "manly man" type deal, not a "man seeking man" type thing. Unless it is, but again 100% okay. You do you. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

AHEM. Back to my story. Now that Spath has become the man of legend, his destiny is clear. He must defeat the Huns. "But Meshi," you say with disdain, "the Huns were defeated years ago. They are no longer a threat!" Foolish child. The Huns are ALWAYS a threat. Spath must now raise an army and turn children into boys and boys into men. Even the girls must become boys. It's a weird political thing, I don't understand it I just provide the information.

Raising an army was tough, but Spath prevailed. Then he realized he is a man, and disbanded the army. "I must do this myself." he exclaimed. Wielding his trusty sword Banana Slicer, his battle-hardened shield, and his cat headphones, Spath rushed into battle. The Huns suspected nothing and were cut down before they could form ranks. Spath hack and slashed his way to victory, gaining more and more exp with each kill. With his mana low he chugged an ether. "Ugh, this stuff is terrible." he thought as his mana recharged. He knew he'd need it for the boss fight coming up. He knew he'd need it to defeat Atillo, great great great great great great grandson of Atilla The Huns' second cousin's roommate's dog walker's friend's acquaintance.

Spath engaged Atillo. Steel met steel, magic met magic. Spath knew he must win. He had no choice. This was fate. This was his destiny. Atillo called upon ancient blood magics. Raw and powerful, yet hard to control. The blood bolts cast out everywhere, ripping through stone and steel, destroying all it touched. Yet there he stand. Proud and tall, Spath survived the ancient spells invoked by Atillo.

"This can't be possible! No man can survive the blood storm!" stammered the exhausted Atillo.

"I am no mere man." bellowed Spath. "I am THE man!"

Spath then took Banana Slicer to Atillo's throat. A personal kill. Spath had to make sure the job was done and his destiny fulfilled. As Atillo lay on the ground, slowly bleeding out and gasping for air, he was able to stutter out his final words, "...Happy... birthday... Spath..."