FFXIAH Linkshell Ni

they said all they wanted was one ice cube to save their dying planet.... but they made the classic mistake of trying to take it from ME by force. I had plans for that ice cube, even if they had asked nicely, you see, the whiskey in the medicine cabinet is kept at room temperature and...uh...well... come to think of it... I suppose I could have given that ice cube to them and just added the whiskey to my coffee...or had PARKER fetch some more ice from the ice maker /shrug

Anyhoo... I ordered PARKER to destroy them.

PARKER spent several hours trying to stomp them all to death. I was never worried PARKER might loose, even after they managed to pin him to the floor.. but eventually I got bored and blew some cigar smoke directly at the fire detection system which set off the carbon dioxide canisters. Because their lungs are so tiny, they died before PARKER even got light headed.

So the oxygen levels are still a little below normal and you may feel light headed...and you may also feel the floor give a little when you step on it. Just don't look at the bottom of your shoes. The iRobots should have them all swept up by noon...

and I need to find some method by which people just give me large amounts of their money on a regular basis without me having to do any actual work....such as... a new religion... or charity perhaps...

Idk something evil...I just want to be able to put my feet on the desk and smoke cigars and laugh maniacally.. then pull a handle attached to chain which opens a big mail chute and money falls out.

Nobody realizes or appreciates how much effort goes into holding the world for ransom... I went to all that trouble to create super storm sandy and the UN was all "pffffft...yeah, like anyone is going to miss New Jersey!!!..." and they totally stiffed me... sure we recuperated some of the investment with a blizzard of false insurance claims but where's the fun in that?

/slams fist on desk

there has to be some way...

NPR has this sustaining member program where you give them your credit card number and they just keep billing it forever unless you somehow remember to turn it off.

but how do I get people to do that without actually providing any service in return?....

PARKER!! quick, think of something!

The workload is nonexistent enough for me. On most days they play board games... and they attend a lot of meetings.

I asked him one time what they were supposed to be doing and he appeared to be thinking about it for a long time and then said "honesty, I don't remember..." and he has been there over twenty five years.

I have met some of the other guys in his group (they took me to lunch one day "on business") all of them were only sure of three things in this world... 1.) the exact number of days remaining until retirement, 2.) the number of personal days, holidays, sick days and vacation days they have remaining at any given moment and 3.) that they will never ever be caught "goofing off". If anyone asks what they are doing they say they are "relationship building" or "team building"

The third one intrigued me the most... I wondered why they have no fear of being caught and asked them "because" they said "the only people that could possibly catch us.... also work for the government"...

right, well sure, I nodded knowingly, and they are all also presumably playing board games all day long.... all 22 million of them...

Well, not ALL... There are an unlucky few who HAVE to interact with the public...like department of motor vehicle clerks, cops, judges, etc. but most of them hide in quite anonymity. The actual work is subcontracted out to someone else and they report these findings at meetings and then go back to their offices.

"You can't sleep", his boss told me, "and a few other things like get noticeably drunk or high.... if you get caught you will get sent to rehab" What's the down side? I queried...

"You won't ever matter" "that's the hardest part for me" he said "you can work really hard or not at all, it doesn't matter...you can't be fired but you can't really be promoted, like me, I'm the director of this department, but nobody actually has to do anything I tell them, I can't fire them or be fired myself, my pay is only slightly better than the handful of people that started after I did anyways..."

Like the officer of graffiti I had the run in with, behind him he has a director of graffiti and a fax coordinator and god only knows how many others, secretaries of the secretaries all locked away in a secure location quietly going insane.... waiting for the next cool board game to be released....

a few of them "crack up" and "go postal" occasionally shooting up the office. which seems to be the only real concern they have... that one of them is going to "pop" and kill the others. They all eye each other darkly as the subject came up.

but on days like this I think about it heavily, sever my contact with the ffxiah world and go deep into the secret world of government "work".... no naps though...hmmmm