2nd Child Dies After Parents Choose Prayer

I've been battling with and reorganizing my own, personal beliefs specifically because of this. It's taken me to some weird places while trying to seek out a superficial comfort without completely erasing the possibility of a God incrementally over almost a decade.

So, my childhood friend of twenty years now and I have always had this symbiosis that has led us by the nose through fortune and folly throughout childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. We, as a duo, have a sick, little Loki that has always crept around in our skulls, the same level of competitiveness, and we're both loud-mouths to a detriment. We're so weirdly similar that, would one of us had been born with a penis, done deal! Close curtain! Show is over! (We joke to our husband and BF just to tongue-in-cheekly remind them that.)

Well, her sister, I'm not sure if by nature or nurture, has always been a little more quite, reserved, and painfully awkward, but whatever...She was the tag-along in our history of goofy and or completely stupid stunts. Thinking retrospectively about the situation, she was the outcast and emotional whipping boy out of their family. Their dad made it VERY clear that he favored my friend over her sister several times. It was gut-wrenching to watch sometimes when I was old enough to take notice of it.

We all had a typical church, Sunday school, youth group, confirmation, etc. It didn't stop my buddy and I from acting a fool, especially when we turned sixteen. Her sister though, was consumed with church, which isn't bad. It keeps some people from involving themselves in "bad" behavior. Eventually, some of the "bad" behavior that my friend had a jump-start on before I did was discovered by her dad. Their father went a little nutty, moved them out to a ranch in the middle of nowhere until their mother couldn't take the seclusion and tightening noose anymore, and divorced him. (I’m still a little dumbfounded by the fact that I was still invited around when their father decided seclusion was “best” for his family considering that my friend and I fed off of and encouraged each other’s mischievousness.)

******

Fast-forward to me and my friend age twenty-one and her sister age nineteen...We've already been gradually extending our hand to her to include her in our silliness, which was the standard, late-teens/early-twenty-something high jinx.

When my buddy became pregnant with an oopsie-baby, for which she has to take a hiatus from college, and I was under the gun to keep my nose to the grindstone and get serious at college, her sister was left to flit and flutter by herself. So, she fell back on church, a church that an acquaintance introduced her to. I don’t even know how to describe this church. Neither my friend nor I had any interest in whatever the tenets of this “religion” was. It was like pseudo-Hassidic Jewish (in their garb and facial hair) and some of their practices but with Jesus being the savoir rather than a prophet? I don’t even know enough to make heads or tails of it. They didn’t identify themselves as any common denomination. Well, she met her husband there. This is who I earlier referred to as “David Koresh part deux”.

At the time, he was doing CS/EE at UT Arlington. He’s not stupid by any means. I went up there for my friend’s baby shower and to catch up with her sister, who for some bizarre reason, couldn’t make it to the baby shower of her first nephew. I was already informed that because of a dust-up between my friend’s BF and her sister’s BF that HE, “David Koresh part deux”, was persona non grata in their household. (My friend’s BF, husband now, is a country-fried, “good ‘ol boy” type. That contrast with her sister’s smarmy, weasely BF did not mix well.) Yeah…I was really half-snooping on behalf of my friend who was deeply offended by her sister not bothering to make an appearance at her baby shower. I was half-snooping for myself to make sure this was just a little misunderstanding because I knew that my friend’s BF, the country boy, does not just fly off half-cocked.

Now, I just want to go ahead and say that my brother was CS/EE, I dated a guy who was CS/EE and another one in ICAM/CS…So, I’ve met plenty rolled into that bundle (and I’m trying to tread lightly here for fear of being stoned to death when this come barreling out of my mouth…fingers), some of you are kind of a fidgety bunch that meet the stereotype, and I understand that some of you weren’t graced with social malleability. Despite that, little quirks can be endearing, and idiosyncrasies…Everyone’s got ‘em. THIS GUY WAS JUST FLAT OUT WEIRD!!!

Now for my first introduction to crazy, the night started off well enough. I had my metaphorical chisel to his skull and was clink-clink-clinking away to rummage around. Naturally, we came to the subject of why my friend’s sister didn’t grace us with her presence at the baby shower. That later degenerated to his thoughts on how my friend’s place was at home and how she should not continue with her RN after having her child. My brow was raised. He went off the deep end accusing me of not “knowing my place” and pointed out my “insolence” for continuing to ask questions. It’s not as if it was an interrogation-style, just the usual conversational flow when you happen upon something...Errr…Interesting? He just became really defensive then VERY aggressive.

There’s only two times in my life I have been so angry that everything just ends up getting hazy. It was so surreal that in the aftermath I had to question whether or not I was magically teleported to some hokey Lifetime movie. I tend to be harsh, blunt, and then start spitting venom when friends or family are being done an injustice, even more so when, in my frustration, I finally realize that they’re doing an injustice to themselves. In that case it was both my friend and her sister. He physically pushed me into a corner while arguing. That’s when my friend’s BF was absolved for taking a swing at this sub-human, because this was the first time EVER that I felt the tension rise in my forearm, to my wrist, then my hands. Whether it was fight or flight kicking in, I was two seconds from popping this guy in the face with my spindly arm and “dainty” (flimsy would be more accurate) wrist. My friend’s sister just sat there with a slack-jawed stare the entire time this escalated until she finally spoke up. Little did any of us know, she was three months pregnant at the time.

*****

Fast-forward to my friend and I age twenty-five and her sister age twenty-three…The sister is married to “David Koresh part deux” and was pregnant with the third out of the five children. At this point she has to wear shawls to cover her hair in public, only skirts, and can’t shave bodily hair. (Not that that’s a big deal.) What is a big deal is that he started monitoring who and when she could call and meet up with people. He also took the family out of their whatever church over some stupid squabble that probably conflicted with some of the already goofy ideas the people in this church held. He had also dropped out of college, and cut out his parents when they refused to fund his cockamamie scheme about selling guns, ammunition, etc. over the internet and open his own gun store. I suspect that his parents had a very specific reason why they wouldn’t bankroll his little enterprise. (Insert LOLTX here. If you haven’t already, just go ahead and insert it where ever you desire in this anecdote of perpetual ***.) I don’t even remember how they got the start-up money for it, but it was destined to fail (2011). Thank GOD!

Now, this third pregnancy was conceived eight or nine weeks after the birth of the second child. The two previous births were home births where he delivered both, the first by himself and the second with the help of a midwife. NO PRENATAL CARE WHAT SO EVER! He “distrusts” doctors. My opinion of that was he was too poor to afford it and too proud to seek Medicaid, like my friend suggested to her sister. HE SERIOUSLY MAKES ***UP AS HE GOES!

The sister starts to crack a little, so she calls my friend and me up to meet with her at a restaurant while her husband is at work with the toddler and new-born in tow. She dumps EVERYTHING on us! My friend and I start scrambling to think of options after ingesting the world of ***that essentially scrambled our brains while listening to her. My friend’s house had been on the market for over ten months, so she suggested that her sister move there. My friend and her husband would let her live there for the time being but was responsible for utilities. I suggested she and her children come live with me and my BF, at the time. Realistically, she was absolutely handicapped though. HS drop-out, no GED, no driver’s license, no work experience, two kiddos, and one more bun in the oven at age twenty-three! She dug her own grave. We could set her up with menial, clerical jobs, but could she perform and WTF could we do with the kids? Child-care is expensive, for those of you who don’t know yet!

In our urgency, I think we spooked her. My buddy is not above frothing and barking like a rabid Rottweiler when legitimately angry, and I will unabashedly nip at people’s heels like a tenacious, little Terrier when I feel something needs to be done. (Did I mention that we’re kind of a blessing and a fire and brimstone curse of a combo?) Anyway, she had her options. She had to go home and process, and after a couple of weeks decided to stay. Her fault! She didn’t take the two offers she had.

*****

(I’m getting physically stressed recalling hammering this cluster-*** of a cautionary tale all out in explicit detail that ebbs and flows in and out of my life, and has spanned the course of six to seven years now.)

When he and his partner lost their business and my friend’s sister was pregnant with their fifth, that’s when he decided to go *** around. When he was caught, he tried to smoothed it over by trying to convince that polygamy is okay. Are you shitting your pants yet, if you haven’t already? Sounds familiar, right? This all didn’t come out in the wash until my baby shower. And what a horrible mess that became!

BLAH! Okay…My baby shower in December…My friend and her mother had to covertly snatch her sister and the FIVE KIDS from their rinky-dink apartment to even come to my baby shower. Somewhere down the line my friend’s sister and their mother get into a screaming match on our front lawn. “YOU MARRIED YOUR FATHER!” rang out clear as a bell, and I immediately considered running to the backyard where the guys were barbecuing despite the cold to snatch a cigarette and beer. I didn’t, but the thought was definitely there. I just decided to give up, and stop internalizing this as my problem on the advice of my BF. He’s known me since I was nineteen, and is very well aware that I deeply consume everyone else’s problems in an attempt to help, then carry them as my own until I’m overwhelmed.

At the tail end of February, I get a call from my friend about her sister’s whacko husband moving them off to the middle of nowhere (like their father did with them). What’s more disturbing is when my friend, her husband, their two kids, and their mother went to visit the sister, the husband greeted them with a rifle at the front door. A total of SEVEN CHILDREN on that property too!

At the beginning of this month, my friend and her mother tried to visit the sister again after not hearing a word from the sister after the previous incident. Very concerning, yes? EVERYONE WAS GONE! Even the furniture was left there. His side of the family doesn’t know where they are, mutual friends have no idea where they are, nobody knows. They’re just AWOL right now.

*****

Because of this, it’s really the only thing I have consistently prayed for almost a decade and it’s not even for my own benefit, I’m really wondering where my relationship with God is at. I’ve always been on the fence for a long time. As much as I long for some selfish and childish comfort and resolution to this…I don’t think it’s going to happen. Although I’ve strenuously tried to maintain some optimistic semblance of God, this entire ordeal has made me cynical and cold towards those I deem spineless. People who sit in idleness with opportunities handed to them that allot bettering yourself or even more freedom disgust me now. If I prematurely begin to wrinkle, the frown lines may as well spell out my friend’s sister’s name.

So little Mosin was born in rural south dakota to an irish catholic family on both sides. My parents split ways when I was 4-5, and although I have no recollection of it happening, my grandma says it hit me like a ton of bricks. so time went on, & my father was seen sporadically over the years, but I still saw his parents quite a bit.

Now, I remember being in sunday school, and asking lots of questions, & not believing the answers I was handed. right out of the gate, I thought the idea of god & heaven to be too silly to be true. I was also smart enough to realize that people were strarting to think I was "wierd" or whatever, so I decided to just stfu & pretend to be a good little sheep in the flock. this went on until my gay cousin was ostrisized to the point he swore off most the family & moved to minneasota. now this is where my deviation from the church became an official "I don't want to be any part of this" which caused a pretty big rift between my elder's and I. I was only 14-15 though, & didn't give a ***.

I decided there was nothing. we were just the most proficient virus on a world that changes constantly, & there was no ryme or reason to anything. I thought, "hey those freaks in the 70's tried to expand thier minds, MAN, I should try that ***." I then proceeded to flounder about life meaninglessly, ingesting anything anyone would give me, or I could get my hands on. in the course of this phase the testostore ran high, & my idiot friends & I would get into all kinds of stupid stuff. the others would get into lots & lots of physical engagements of varying degree, but occasionally I'd get sucked in as well.

I'm not a super badass or anything, but 9/10 when I had to get involved I mopped the floor with people. but afterwards while the others were drunkenly celebrating, I was always heartbroken. I started to feel sub-human. I quit running around with those boys.

They got me thinking though. with no morals or regard for laws or rules, why did I feel bad kicking *** that, generally, needed to be kicked? there's something more to life than I had previously believed....

I knew all about christianity, but I knew that wasn't the only option. so I started reading about others. as many as I could get my grubby little hands on. after reading a few different holy books, I still didn;t see anything that suited my fancy, & decided I should just quit fighting, keep smoking weed, & give up on religion again.

I was doing a lot of writing, painting, drawing, & drinking at this phase of life & not much else. I was 18-20, and it seemed like life should just go on that way forever. I would work wierd dead end jobs to fund my debauchery. well one of these jobs was serving banquets, & it was a lot of hurry up & wait. well one night, during one of our many downtimes, I went & smoked a joint with gunther, the cook, in one of the hotel rooms. now in retrospect I realize the owner of the hotel was an indian (sub-continent, not native american) national, but all these hotel rooms were stocked with the bible, the koran, & the teaching of the buddha, since I had already read the first two, & I was baked out of my gourd with nothing to do for the next three hours, I took the teaching of the buddha up to read whilst I waited for all the fatties to finish thier dinner / wedding / metting.

I started reading this book, & I'll be god damned if I hadn't already thought of most of the core tenants on my own. I was like a fish to water. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

today, I feel like the biggest hyocrite / loser on the face of the *** planet. I know all the right steps, but instead, I continue to smoke regardless of it blocking important chakras in your body (so I'm told) & instead of meditation, I play FFXI, or throw my children around, or like I'm supposed to be doing right now, working my *** off. so, really, you people in religous turmoil are the lucky ones in my eyes, because there's at least some wiggle room.

I'm just the worst follower of the dharma that ever existed. :(

I'm openly gay and have been dealing with my Catholic teachings since middle school. It's been extremely difficult I think internal religious turmoil is a blessing not a curse. It teaches you to be more critical of the texts and see what is of value to YOU.

When I was growing up I was shunned by fellow Christians and Catholics for being openly gay. Ironically, the Muslims and Jewish kids at my HS befriended me. The Christian Club at my school was too good to have a gay kid, even though I was more learned of the bible then all of them. They didn't care. And that's when I was like holy ***! The Church teaches me these people(jews and muslims) are going to hell, I was at conflict! how can such nice people be destined to such pain when they are such good people!