61
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
62
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
63
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
64
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
65
When in doubt, mumble.
66
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
67
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
68
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
69
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
70
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
71
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
72
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
73
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
74
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ***.
75
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
76
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
77
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a ***.
78
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
79
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
80
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
81
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
82
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
83
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
84
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
85
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
86
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
87
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
88
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
89
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
90
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
91
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
92
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
93
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
94
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one *** and it is gone.
95
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
96
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
97
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
98
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
99
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
100
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.