Random Thoughts.....What Are You Thinking?

Bullying is always going to be one of those issues that always sticks close to my heart. Sometimes people are overly sensitive about it and label harmless "picking" as bullying. But it's easier for it to escalate than it did when we were all kids, too, so I suppose that over-reaction can be justified.

I was pushed around a lot as a kid. I was always small for my age, both short and thin. I was an easy target because I didn't have the strength to retaliate. Adults always mistook me for being 2-3 years behind my actual age. For reference, I was 4'11" in my Freshman year of high school, and was 90-95 lbs.

Everything I had to deal with had a huge impact on the way I turned out, both good and bad. On the upside, I feel like it built a bit of character. I learned how to treat people by facing the exact opposite on a daily basis for years. And I eventually learned how to stand up for myself, both physically and verbally. And I wasn't treated nearly as badly as a lot of other people, despite being the primary target of a lot of those people.

The downside was that I isolated myself from a lot of events, activities, and people. I still get anxiety being in large groups of people, I assume because it reminds me of the social groups I had to deal with when I was younger. I spent a lot of my later youth and early adulthood extremely angry and depressed without even realizing it, and I'm still emotionally "behind" regular people that are my age a lot of the time. I have a natural "leader" ability, but I've shied away from it and feel that a lot of it was held back by being held down (not literally) as a kid. I know I'm capable of it (how else would I end up in management), but I'm often reluctant to step up because that fear of being laughed at or humiliated is still there, somewhere, in the back of my head.

I handled it a lot better than most, and sometimes it's hard to NOT have the mentality of, "Well, I managed. So can you." But I also realize I had a lot more support than most. I had parents who tried to make it clear that I wasn't the one doing anything wrong. I had a dad who knew exactly what I was dealing with, and encouraged me to stand up for myself. He didn't want me to fight, only to defend myself. Even my teachers. In 8th grade, I finally had enough of one guy after he kicked a chair into the side of my leg. I turned around and punched him. The vice principal of the school was happy to find out what I'd done, and my English teacher told me she was proud of me.

I just hope I get the chance to help someone with my experience sometime. More kids need to know they can turn out just fine in the end. Because I did. Sometimes I'm just plain awesome, and they will be too.

/ramble-rant off