FFXI LGBT Community, Who Are You?

Not hurting people's feelings is always one of my greatest concerns. I agree that it's usually an "impossible tightrope" as you put it, but each exchange is made up of a series of choices that you end up having to make one way or the other. Whether or not to answer someone's message, whether or not to allow a conversation to take place, and (eventually) whether or not to take it any further. I try to make these choices as fairly as I can.

Example: I haven't hooked up in a long time, and my profile warns people that I'm not looking for casual sex with strangers. If someone ignores this and asks me anyway, I won't feel bad about not replying. Usually I'll say something like "sorry, not looking to hook up" and wish them good luck, but I don't see it as unfair to end that conversation before it starts.

The only other time I'll straight up refuse to talk with someone is if their message is rude. This is where it gets difficult, though. I'm happy to talk with just about anyone, but usually I know from the start if I'm actually interested in meeting. Do I ignore the fact that neither of us is there "just to talk" by continuing the conversation? Do I presumptuously say that I'm not interested before being asked? The first option might make him feel led on, but the second option suggests that I'm so superficial that I won't even talk to someone who doesn't interest me sexually. I assume this is what you mean by the "implications" of saying that someone isn't your type? Maybe it really is best to lie and say you're only looking for chat.

At any rate, I've done a lot of thinking about "types." I think it's unfortunate that we limit our options by insisting on a certain collection of superficial traits, but I don't know that it's necessarily wrong to "have a type." Most people don't have just one type anyway; when I say someone isn't "my type," it just means that the person in question doesn't possess very many of the traits that I find the most attractive. It doesn't mean I think the person is unattractive--a lot of the people I've met who weren't my type could be very successful models by anyone's standards including my own--just that, for whatever reason, he doesn't illicit a very powerful response from me.

I don't think this "powerful response" is necessary to a successful relationship, but I also don't think it's wrong to pursue it. After all, we don't have any conscious control over what attracts us. If we did, poor misguided teenage me would've turned himself straight long ago. More importantly though, no one has the inherent right to another person's attraction; simply not feeling attracted to someone does him no harm, nor does the act of telling him the truth if he has pursued you. On the other hand, calling someone unattractive is different: at this point, you're no longer talking about your own feeling (which he should view as insignificant)--you're making a general statement about him and suggesting that others will feel the same.

Ugh, the question of race and attraction is such a massive can of worms. In my case, I don't think it's possible for someone who isn't white to possess more than like... a couple of the physical traits I like. Skin color isn't especially important to me, but it just happens to preclude a lot of other things that I find attractive.

So for me at least, the race thing and the "type" thing are closely related. I don't think that individual people can be held responsible for preferring certain superficial traits to others, but I do think that society as a whole needs to address the horribly narrow definition of beauty that permeates the media (and thus, our own subconscious). This is why it's important to include people of different races (and mixes of races!) and body types in our popular culture--not because it's "politically correct." It's only politically correct because there's a reason for it, dammit! XD

Yeah, there are so few in the community that everyone knows (and has likely dated) everyone else. x.x It just breeds trouble. I'm glad I have friends from college and work so I don't have to depend on the community for friendship and dating. That would be so awkward lol

Also *** Manhunt!! That ***was great when I was in China where it's free, but there is absolutely no point in paying for a hookup site in the US when you can use Grindr for free. XD I didn't have wifi or a data plan for my phone in China, but I don't think that is very common here at all. Sorry Manhunt.

Yeah, I don't really know. For awhile I liked it for hookups, but I don't really do that anymore. It's not that I didn't enjoy hooking up or that I think there's anything wrong with it, I just ended up deciding the risk outweighed the benefit. I'm a worrier, so even though I'm careful to a fault, I don't like the whatever-fraction-of-a-chance that something would get through a condom. I don't like that weighing on my mind when I go in for a blood test. I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to hooking up with someone I already know and trust, but people I meet on Grindr don't exactly qualify and I don't have any single friends who interest me that way either.

At any rate, due to the absence of any better options, I'm on Grindr for that 5% chance of something worthwhile. It doesn't work very well of course, but yea. I have no idea what the better options even are lol

I've come to two rather disparate conclusions about typing as regards myself. If I'm feeling arrogant, I imagine I'm far from unique. The first thing I've noticed regards what I say is my preferred type. If I rattled off a short list of traits I prefer, many of which are personality-related rather than physical, by the way, you could construct a fairly reasonable picture of the sort of person I'm looking for. What I have found, though, is that I am rarely interested in someone who actually fulfills those qualities, especially the superficial ones. After much soul-searching, I've realized it is because I'm not saying who I want to be with but rather who I want to be.

The second thing, which somewhat dovetails with the above, is that I have a very predictable type when it comes to who I end up dating and they differ greatly from the type I would name in the above paragraph. Simple example, I say that I prefer light-colored hair but literally everyone I've dated has had dark hair. And I'm dirty blond, so further support of my earlier conclusion. Additional analysis of who I have dated, though, coupled with my compulsion to read virtually anything put in front of me has led to a place most people are not comfortable acknowledging. The personality I am most likely to be attracted to, the person whom I will try to date, is ultimately my father. Lots of research suggests this is fairly typical, too, hence the many men accused of wanting to marry their mother are probably unconsciously doing exactly that.

Neither of the above actually bother me, but I'm not normal.

The final straw when it comes to all this, though, is that a large part of why we're attracted to someone over another person is chemical. Even though we're not breeding, our bodies are still built around finding a good genetic match. And this returns to the parental thing, too: we tend to prefer someone who is genetically similar to our parents, especially that of whichever sex we prefer (no clue how that plays out for bisexuals). Tests have shown that straight women smelling lightly used t-shirts will overwhelmingly favor the scent of men who are close to (but not exactly) their father's genome. It takes "kissing cousins" to some weird new places. But, in the meantime, it is part of why you'll occasionally see an 8 with a 4: hormones and genetics are playing a role, although social considerations are still a big part.

No one likes to talk about it, leastwise liberal white folk like us, but humans are inherently "racist." We're tribal by nature and a big part of why "all them Orientals look the same" (substitute race/ethnicity of choice) is because our brains literally do not expend the same processing power on different tribes. Someone born in Africa can spot the difference between nations with the same frequency that a European or European-descended American can guess someone's national heritage on looks alone. I'm actually pretty good at judging East Asians, which is weird since my first real exposure to them was at age 18.

This goes back to the genetic marker thing, too. It seems odd that we've evolved so as to narrow our genome instead of expand it, but there is a strong instinct involved that fuels tribalism in all its facets. We're designed to distrust things that are different. How depressing.

I used to browse through places like Grindr (note: I don't have a smartphone so I'm much more familiar with websites than apps) just out of bitterness and to laugh. But I don't find schadenfreude very fulfilling. Once I realized that I had no interest in hooking up anymore, as a big part of all the above soul-searching was to figure out what the hell it was that I was after, the whole thing became tedious. It's not that I'm against sex or even casual sex, but I see no value in anonymity. I can only imagine how some of the guys I've hooked up with over the years must have felt when, by the time he left, I knew half his life story because I want to know who I am with, even if I never see him again. I don't get the point of anonymity.

The risk factor is certainly present, but if I were to make that claim, I'd be lying. I am not saying that is true for you. My last ex dissolved our relationship amicably because he's seropositive and I'm not and it was too much for him to handle, so I definitely understand. But even though sex is usually better than masturbation, it doesn't justify the trouble for me if it's anonymous and one-time-only. Which is part of why I have long stints of celibacy, because for all that people talk about "friends with benefits," I've rarely seen it pulled off.