The Church Of Aplha

This was posted by someone on the alpha forums. since its not game related, only kinda funny story I figured it would be ok to post it here.

(credits to whoever came up with this funny story, but I'm not naming anyone just in case)

Enjoy!


AND LO! T'was the eleventh day of the third month that the mighty Creator did select from his minions, some dudes!
These dudes, paragons of gaming and tea-making, were to bring life to the Creator's new world! Possessing the great, and terrible 1337 HAXZ0RZ!!!111oneoneoneexcalmationmark! these champions of the Creator did sign up!
Alas! T'was not all good fortune for all mortal men (and the one woman) on the internet. Give or take 300 of these dudes were given the Creator's blessing. It was on this day, that Alpha went live, and Jeebus was praised!

On the First day:
Calamaty Struck! The gateway went live! Alas, the website was more indecisive than a kid with ADD in a toyshop.
"We shalt persevere!" the champions cried, and as per divine counsel, went to the download page.
"Soon" Quoth the Creator. "Soon My Children, I shalt bless unto thee, Eorzea!"
There was much rejoicing!
"Actually" the Divine Being said, "We've changed the forum message to 'in the near future.' We have one american on the translation team, the rest are Japanese with English dictionaries. Go figure!"
There was no rejoicing.

Yet all was not lost! For on this day, An Mighy Hero did An Mighty Heroic deed, and An Mighty Forum Thread was posted, with An Mighty And Heroic Name: HELLO ALPHA TESTERS~

On the Second day:
Champions, hailing from the awesome vana'diel surged in like applicants to a teaching post.
"How ***!" Quoth the Raven Champions. "Where dost the download client gone?"
"Has been taken from us!" Cried the collective. "We are now part of the Celestial forums!
"What does that entail?" Asked the newbs.
"Sod all. i keep pressing F5 on the download page, and occasionally it makes IE8 crash and die like a blind stuntdouble with no arms."
And yet, the society did flourish! Old Friends became reaquainted, new friendships were forged in the fires of irriation, and behold! The miracle that is Teatime, as it t'was on this day the Hobnobbers were borne!

On the Third day:
"T'was a slow morning, it seem'd that life was draining about the forums; despair took hold in the hearts of the weak. Not one, not two, but THREE whine topics did grow! Not that it'th mean that much, for t'was told that in The Creator's Parallel World of the NA forums they were having a huge whine, *** and moan about the whole situation.
Ungratful yanks.
Amidst the chaos, a Miracle did emerge from the belov'd heavens! SUPERSONIC made a forum post, and used punctuation! T'was a day to be remembered. He was An Mighty Hero.

On the Fourth Day:
The Hobnobbers were in full swing, and An Mighty Influence they did have. However, t'was silent in the divine Firmament, and learn did we of the JP client of Eorzea had opened!
T'was a dark day, filled with darkness of several different shades, but all of them darker than darkest night. It really was that dark.
For alas! The Fourth Day of our Exodus was the final one in the weekend. Some champions needed to work, thus fuel their monthly worship to the Divine Creator. I for one had an essay to do.

On the Fifth Day
There was a great sadness falling on the proto-world of Alpha. There was no word from our Lord and Master, and it had seem'd the Hobnobbers had dunk'd their last!
SUPERSONIC and his capital letters were no-where to be seen.
Would we be saved!
Would the Messiah, Moderator99, descend from the firmament to bless us, those with the really stupid SE ID keys, with the door to Eorzea?

On the Sixth Day
Hell no.
Instead, I hath faithfully chronicled the journey of these An Mighty Heroes, so we shalt not be remembered as Uncool, Unstylish and Unliterate.
The Chapters shall grow! For 'tis a new dawn! and Every day we spend without, we could be playing outside, or saving children from a burning house, or having sex! We may do these in any order, but not neccessarily at the same time.
To SE we praise. Please bow your heads:

"Our Lager, Who art in barrels.
Opo-Opo brew be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Sandy's will done,
In the bar as it is in the brewery.
Give us this day our daily pint
and forgive us for our spillages
as we forgive those who spillage against us.
Lead us not into Valkurm dunes
and Deliver us from Zilart,
For thine is the GMs,
Taskforce and the rest of the freaking online Gestapo,

Amen.

May jeebus watch us all!


On the Seventh Day:
Almost full week hath passed in the psudo-world of Alpha. Many questions were raised by the champions of the MMOJRPG;
"Do we have the right site?"
"Can i do it on my PS3?"
"How do i mine for a fish?"
"What did you think of ff13?"

Grim tidings they were. Through the midnight hours, the buscuit society were still; "Are jaffa cakes buscuits?" Only the divine countenance of virtue could answer such a philosophical question.
T'was famine, in Alpha. Little water did flow in the rivers, but lots of tea was flowing thanks to the aid of the Hobnobbers.

Suddenly; SALVATION!
Records on the sixth day, a stone tablet from the envoy of the Creator, Hiromichi Tanaka (Not to be confused with Hitomi Tanaka) did descend from the holy firmament!
"Don't worry lads and laddettes" Quoth the topic post on the frontpage, "Just a few final tweaks, we couldn't give you a buggered game to play could we? This is SE, not SEGA!"
There was cheering and rejoicing in the streets of Alpha! The HELLO ALPHA TESTERS~ thread did grow like a pregnant woman in her second trimester.

More divine council appeared, early in the hours of the seventh day, the divine, knightly laws that would give the champions passage into Eorzea!
"What can yours do?" the forums did ask:
"I've got a Pentium 18x30000 with a turbocharged engine with super high def cabling with an in-build cooling system and transforms into optimus prime."
"I have a toaster."
"I have a thing! It's a magical computermabox thing! THING! all of this nVidia g9800x bull crap is just moonspeak!"

With the words from the Lord and Master coming thickly, Hobnobbers drew their Kitkat swords in anticipation (not the shitty little things that look like ironed out mud, NO! THe old style kitkats, which are basically 4 Kitkat chunkies melted together), and Alpha did hold a massive breath.
Was this it?
Were we to be bless'd?!
Will SUPERSONIC find the Capslock key?
As if watching a bungee jumper with no rope, the Forums did gaze upon Alpha, because something interesting, maybe tragic, was about to happen...

On the Eigth Day:

On the week's anniversary of the birth of Alpha, much boredom did settle on the wet, smelly fertilizer of the forums.
No signs from the messiah, Moderator99, was delivered.
The forums did sit, and have An Mighty and Heroic Spliff.
"The forums are a bit messy" t'was noted. More Threads were made, complaining as such.
Yet, t'was true! Like the bedroom of a teenage boy, who'd not dicovered tissues, the forums were in a sticky situation.

"Are you frustrated?" An Mighty Evil voice did ask. "Are you tired of waiting? Angry at the delays?"
"Aye," Sayeth the forum, "we are mightily frustrated, and i hath gained 3 stone from eating hobnobs, and tea with two lumps of sugar"
"Ah," Said the voice so crook'd. "Why not try Jaffa Cakes? They are relevant to my interests, and have an air of nomnomnomy goodness."
And so it was, Jaffa did storm the residents of Alpha.
"No!" Quoth the prophet, and first poster of the forums, MaelstromALPHA, "Thou'st being mislead! Tis the work of Santa! The Satan of dyslexics!"
"How dost thy know?" did ask the forum.
"Why, i belong to DNA," replied MA, "the National Dyslexic Association."
There was, echoing from up the firmament to down unto the mortal realms, the unholy beating roar of Santa, and all of his empty promises.
Will the Creator hear his children's cries, and raise his divine fist against he, who has't broken every childs heart since the dawn of time?

On the Ninth day:

The Ninth Day was not An Mighty Heroic day, nor a day of despair. There were no soggy crumbs in Alpha.
For Santa, basking in evil glory, was smitten about the lands, his frame smashed in candy litanies and sugary intestines, for the Creator did descend!

"My deepest apologies my children" said he. "We're having a few troubles; a few angels in the first circle spilt water on the divine Servers of Righteous Justice, we're ever so sorry."

And thus, this day is not a day of anger, or recompense, but a day of forgiveness.
"Not a problem!" did announce the forums. "We're all fine with it!"
There was a new forum post about it. The thread pollution did worsen.

Yet again, there was peace in Alpha. However, the An Mighty Spliff was but butt and ash.

On the Tenth Day

"Tis a disaster!" Did cry Tester 99, the Prophet Asmoth. "A week and three days hath passed! For my chronicles, i require literary sustenance!"
Thus Tester 99 did beseech Moderator 99.
"Dude! post something new! there's only so much i can milk from the pink wafers and the poke patrol!"

And thus his wroth was turned upon Alpha;
"For the love of god! i can't parody something that doesn't exist! post something ;;"

On the eleventh day

User 99 did scratch his left testicle in thought;
"My ideas are only but 1 man, bereft of booze and biscuits." Announceth the man. "What, pray, is the view of the world of Alpha?"

And thus, t'was declared, that Asmoth did throw his question unto the people;
What would you say if you wrote the Church of Alpha?"